Being Wrong

An ex friend of mine recently told me ( at the end of a very long, drawn out argument over nothing) that I DID NOT DESERVE HER.

Wow.
That astounded me.
Totally almost floored me.
Then I thought it through a bit and realized that in all probability she was right, I DO NOT DESERVE HER because you know why?
No one, not one person I know, deserves that type of malicious 'friendship'.
No one deserves her; just shame on me for taking so damn long to realize what so many others had known so much earlier than I had.
Slap on the hand Lisa , slap on the hand.

Then came the creme de brûlée of argument endings.
The perfection of that poisonous last sentence.
Yes, this spiritual, gracious, person took off that mask and reveled the cruel, evil thing living underneath.

For we all know that bullying and school yard taunts should begin and end there.
That the mocking of another persons disabilities, in my case, my speech problem by a woman of 50years old, is unacceptable, is cruel, is vile and yet that is exactly what she did.

After paragraphs of writing and realizing that no matter what or how she wrote, she could not  'out write' me, she chose to end the conversation  with the taunt
" no Lisa, you are wr wr wr wr wr wrong LOL"

That's right.
LOL.

LOL.

And what was all this about in the first place?
A FB status update that this particular woman had read and decided that I had written about her.

It was not about her.
Never.
She never crossed my mind.

In truth I think she wanted out of a friendship but had been unable to find her way out.
My FB status update gave her the opening she had been seeking.

Like I said it was never about her but the moral of this cruel little story is that given half a chance, a person can read anything they want into your words and your writing.
They can take your words and twist them to suit their own purposes.

Another moral is that you never really know someone and you never fully understand why others treat them the way they do until you too have seen the dark side of that person.

There is so much more to this than I will put here only I really wanted to share the cruelty from someone who constantly asks why she has no one, why no one wants to be with her, why she is so alone.

Answered her own questions I think.

Or maybe, I'm wr wr wr wr wrong..........

Again.

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Lisa x

As on Friday

The endless pursuit of a good nights sleep.

Eludes me and I find myself more tired in the morning than I was during the evening before bed.

My work, in aged care, exhausts me on one level, makes me alive on another.

I come home late, a strange cauldron of emotions, thoughts and physical sensations.

Depending on who you talk to, I am a nurse.

To me, at my level, I am more than happy to settle with the title of Assistant in Nursing or AIN for short.

Many nurses I have met don't like AINs referring to themselves as nurses and in all honesty, I get it.

It comes down to a respect thing.

Hours of study, placement, experience fill the wide divide between AIN and 'real' nurse.

I recognize this.

I respect it.

Still, the tiredness.....that is a feature we share no matter what rank or station you fill in the many classifications of nursing.

Exhaustion joins us.

From the moment of shift change to the second you clock out, it never stops.

Never.

There is always something to do, someone to attend to, some report to make, paperwork to fill, medication to give, bed to change and on and on.

At work there is very little time for much else than work, giving you a time void of sorts to lose yourself in, where the outside work ceases to exist and all that matters is what is in front of you.

At times, theses time voids are a blessing, like for example when Prue left and right up to now, the only place she is not on my mind is at work.

At work I forget about it all, focused only on the job at hand.

Today is Friday and I work one Friday per fortnight.

Tonight is it.

After a couple of late shifts in a row I am looking forward to tonight being it for the weekend at least.

I am tired and sore with a lot on my mind.

The nest is a mess, the dog is bored with me and my sedinary lifestyle.

The coffee is being made to get me through this morning and I have tons to do with very little energy to do it with.

This is my Friday.

Stay safe friends, be kind.

Lisa x

The Ongoing Obligation .

So.
You are down and out, flat on your back.
Health issues, personal issues, business issues, family issues, past issues and all else capable of flooring you has done just that.
You are done, spent.
Sick, tired, humiliated, betrayed.

The majority of friends have departed the sinking ship of your life and yet, still, some remain.
Remain to offer support, to hold your hand, to hold a torch through one of the darkest periods of your life.
Remain to walk with you, by your side, guiding your way.
Remain to defend you for what ever their reasons.
Yes, some of them stay.
Will always stay.

So the time moves on.
Strength and motivation return.
Bruises and breakages heal on all levels.
Trust, in some minute form starts to peak through, shining its light on a new way of living, a new process, a new incarnation of the person you were before.
Trust.
Like winter sunshine.
Warm and glowing, taking away, for even a brief period the darkness of the life you have been inhabiting.

The friends that stayed have found a place in your new life.
Many have stepped back into their own worlds but are always there.
They know it, you know it.
The friendship comfort zone, the unspoken " I will come if you call ".
Those friends, a blessing in anyone's life.
True friends.

Other friends that stayed seek more.
They stayed and so, without word or gesture they require more.
More of your time, more of your appreciation, more of your life, more of your attention.
They require the ongoing obligation of you in their lives because, by God, they have earned that, they deserve that.
In their support of you at your very lowest, you unwittingly signed a contract stating that for the rest of your life eternal, you will repay the debt accrued by their loyalty by being their friend FOREVER.

At the time of your pain, such a contract and it's fine print is an easy sign.
You are so damn grateful, so very low that yes, it is easy to believe you can ride out the future with this person, these people.
Life is hard, these people, this person makes it easier.
The obligation to be forever theirs is lost in your sickness and gratitude.
You are, at that time, grateful and agreeable and while no one can see it is happening, no one has malicious intent, no one is doing anything wrong, you unwittingly sign away your future life.

Fast forward.

Life is different, many changes have occurred.
You are no longer the person you were, no longer have the same needs, desires, outlooks.
Life has moved on a pace and the world is different, as it should be.
In many ways you are repaired.
The work has been done and you no longer need a torch to guide you in darkness.
The darkness is still there but within it you now find comfort rather than dismay.
A new you has arrived and she is beautiful in her strength and resolve.
Her scars are merely love bites from the life she has lived and each one, visible or not, tells a story, a truth that offers information as to who and why she is now the way she is.

Trust is still a fickle game of catch me if you can.
You find it hard and with good reason.

The friends that stayed have for the most part, stayed.
Some you hear from regularly, others you have not seen in years but the truth of their friendship is ingrained deeply within your soul.
People who left have returned and peace has been found on new, solid ground.
The rules and boundaries are different but the friendship remains, grows.
Forgiveness on both sides has made this possible.
This is a happiness.

Amongst the growth however there will always be the deadwood and knowing when to prune your life is a knowledge hard fought and won.
Those friends who so closely aligned themselves to you ( and you to them ) during the darkness have found your new growth perplexing.
Your lack of need irritating.
Your new strength threatening.
These are the ones who gave, supported, loved, assisted you in the darkness.
These are the ones who believed that by doing so, they would automatically be a part of your life when into the sunshine you finally would stride.
In a perfect world it would indeed be so.

Life however is far from perfect and those who stood with you in the trenches are often not the people who stand by you when the trenches are a distant memory.
The expectations of those with whom you aligned yourself when you were depleted are often shattered as you grow through your hardship and back to your new true self.
In truth, those friends, with all their words of love and wisdom found you easier to love when you were weak, when you were needy.
A stronger you is not desirable to them because it threatens their position in your life.
It changes the way they see themselves in their lives.

So, stronger now,  insights and truth flood you.
A quick check of life sees what is abundant and what no longer is required.
Life once again becomes hard as you question your right to separate from those who stood by you.
Do I stay or do I go?
Perplexing.
In truth, a healed you will no longer require the offerings of a friend who chose to stay by your side because you were broken.
You see this but they seldom do.
In their mind, you are indebted to them, you OWE them for friendship given during times of duress.
They do not see that growth has occurred and is moving you both in different directions.

Sadness for certain.
You grow to love a person that basically you have nothing in common with except the time and the pain of when you were broken.
You mistake your gratitude for love.
To be fully recovered you need to move away from that but the actually doing so is difficult and profound.

You look to all the friends who stayed but went on living, rejoicing in your triumphs and supporting during your duress and you see the true beauty of real friendship.
For these people you have true gratitude, true love.
You love because you want to, you feel it, not because it is expected.

So, the aftermath clean up begins.
In truth though it has already begun.
Friendships outgrown are severed and yes, it hurts like hell, breaks your heart but it is done in one fell swoop with authentic explanation and understanding.
A relationship ended with purpose rather than resentment.
Everyday you think of that person and everyday you miss them.
They made you smile but they also made you cry.
Expectations made of you could not be accepted.
Cut the tie and walk away.

There will always be one who demands you fulfill the contract as they see it.
They were there for you so you are now indebted to them, always.
They watch you get well, move through transitional phases, grow, achieve and eventually they realize that the new you is eating away at them, eroding their sense of purpose, their beliefs, their image of you, of themselves.
Having to absorb the changes makes them bitter and as they start to realize you are moving away they fight harder and harder to keep you close.
This can get nasty.

Where does this obligation of friendship end?
How much of yourself should you give or deny to keep a friendship based on a no longer valid truth?
Does walking away make you a bad person?

People can get mean when they sense that someone they feel owes them is moving on.
They start to see, hear, feel things in order to validate their feelings that they are the wronged party.
Every word you say, read, write is scrutinized as a 'friend' seeks to prove you are a bad person.

You are not a bad person.
You have gratitude for the past even if you have no need of that person for the future.
You are a growing, evolving human life and a huge part of growing is of course, outgrowing.
It is painful and leaves you cold but the truth is that really, you owe no one anything.
Not your time, money, patience, interest, trust, friendship.
Nothing.
Certainly not your love.

You are not there to be a sounding board for the misery in someones life.
Always be kind but always ensure boundaries are sound and in place.
A good deed 20 years ago is not enough to ensure your ongoing, unquestioning, friendship until the day you die.
No.

This ongoing obligation.
About other people, people i thought i knew well as well as about myself who I hardly know at all.
When to stay and when to leave.
The extreme nastiness that comes from a friend when they realize they are no longer a part of your world.
The disappointment of expectation.

You are free to walk away at any time.


Lisa x