This Transition

At this point in my little life, nothing feels right.
A massive crossroads.
People leaving, constant misunderstandings and the sadness....
The sadness is unbearable.

I feel so very alone, like I am living in another time zone or something.
I never saw this coming, never saw my life so up ended, so alone.

People ask why I no longer use Facebook as I once did and the answer is simple.
Fear.
A now deep seated and authentic fear of sharing myself because I cannot know how others will take my words and twist them.
It has happened and it scars me still.
Words take on a life of their own according to who reads them and this can be disastrous in so many ways.
So I refrain.

Also, my sadness seeps through and people accuse me of being selfish,of inflicting pain on people I love by being true in my words.

What is there left to say if I can't speak from my heart?
I don't want to hurt anyone, never meant to inflict pain so I refrain.

This transition sees me sad, alone and terrified because I have no control over the events in my life.
I can only watch and pray that it all changes, sets a different course.

There are people, friends and family who will judge me now for these words because my pain may cause pain to others as well.

I want my life back.
It is hard not to feel resentful and angry when the changes that affect you so deeply are the actions of another and I have no say.

My world is wrenched from me and I am denied my right as a mother, grandmother, friend, etc to grieve what I have lost.
I must keep my pain silent for to express it is 'selfish'.

In staying true to me I am perceived as cold.

The truth is I am sad.
My heart is broken, my psyche is shattered.
I don't know which way to move, my every movement is perceived in a manner I do not intend.

Where has Lisa gone ?
I knew her so well, now not a fraction of her do I recognize.
Empty and broken.

The mask is wearing thin.